Pain and Suffering

Someone asked me if I was going to sue for pain and suffering.  Hmm, I hadn't thought about it really.  I'm not really interested in pursuing a lawsuit only to lose.  No one gets much in this country, so most people don't bother.  However, now that I have been through something traumatic, I see things in a different light.  Am I in pain and suffering? It depends on how that is determined.  I don't have any real physical pain from that night other than ripping all the skin off my knee when I tripped over a fire hose and a little smoke inhalation.  Emotional pain - lots. I cry every single day, and sometimes it turns into sobbing, which I don't even recall doing in a very long time.  I've been pretty emotional this past year due to my father's impending death.  He passed away in early September.  Now I have something new to cry about.

And I hate crying.  I have little control over it, and I despise being reduced to a soggy mess holding handfuls of soggy tissues.  Or would that be considered suffering? I sure felt like I was suffering when I was sobbing through filling out my fire claim.  It has very little to do with the loss of material goods.  It has more to do with lost memories.  It also has to do with having to do all of this alone.  And the fact that I can't get it out of my head how close to death I came.  Sure, I've probably cheated death a few times in the past while passing a semi on the highway, but I don't know that I really was aware as I am now.  It sure has me counting up how many lives I've used up like a cat.

And then I start thinking about some of the rumors, that the explosion was a planned event.  That would mean that whoever blew up the building had no regard for human life, as all of us were at risk that night, not just the intended target, if indeed he was. It's that shit that keeps me awake at night - how fast your life can change without any input from you.  That someone else has that ability to knock you off course, changing your life.  I know this fire has changed my life. 

I'm still very much in shock, and surviving on a very basic level.  I've been sick this past week so haven't had much contact with other people.  I can't believe it has already been 13 days since the fire.  It seems like a couple of nights ago. I still wake up in the night and think I am in my old apartment, and it isn't until I slam into something that I remember I'm not.  When I'm out and about in my car, I sometimes drive by my new place, heading to the old apartment, before I remember that isn't where I live anymore. Sometimes images go through my head as I envision getting home, putting away the groceries, and settling in on my big chair.  Then I remember, oh yeah, the fire. 

There isn't anywhere to sit comfortably in my new place.  It doesn't have a living room, so the only place to sit is either on a kitchen chair or on a bed. I was so looking forward to a cozy winter at my old place, and someone blew up my building and that all changed.  Does that qualify as pain and suffering?