The Life of a Nomad

Miriam-Webster defines a nomad under #2 definition as an individual who roams about.  I've often referred to myself as a nomad, given that I am living in my 31st home.  Some time ago on another blog, I listed all of those homes and it was shocking to see how little stability there has been in my life.  The one big chunk of time spent in one place was the 12 years spent in a tiny outport in Newfoundland.  Now I am considering departing again in a few months, to spend several months at no fixed address other than a VW camper.  Am I crazy? What drives me?


I've thought about staying here.  Some things seem almost perfect, while others are skewed and do not fit or work for me.  My apartment is great - love it, love the neighborhood (despite the violence), love my furniture (for once), and love living so close to the ocean.  I do not however, love my job.  It works, it pays well enough, but is not at all what I want to do with my life. I thought I would enjoy spending time with so many cousins and ex-inlaws around, but again, I've heard nothing from my cousins, and my ex-inlaws often forgot about me. 

I have very few friends here, and spend most of my time alone with my cat in my great apartment.  I don't mind it for the most part, if I remind myself its only short term.  I do miss having close friends though.  I have moved so often, that most of the friends I've made in the communities I've lived have all but forgotten me.  I have no life-long friends, and really miss that.  I have many friends who swore they would keep in touch, even asked for my address, but that was the last I've heard from them.  No one seeks me out.  They've all moved on.  I understand their choice - out of sight, out of mind.  It doesn't mean that I don't mind.  I mind it very much.  I put a lot of work into friendships over the years, and it gets tiring as well as discouraging when it becomes so one sided. 


I don't know what the answer is.  With this move, I tried a lot in the beginning to settle in, make some friends, and look up old ones.  After numerous invitations, phone-calls, and promises to get together, they all fizzled quickly after just a few get togethers.  How aggressive should I pursue a friendship? How many times should I believe someone's promise to get together soon, or to call me next week for plans, or that they will call me for the next party they have? None of those promises and many more have ever panned out. Am I just not picking up on cues to frig off?


It could be that people are willing to invest in a friendship with someone who is expecting to leave the area again.  Lame excuse, but entirely possible.  I've heard others make similar statements about folks who come and go from jobs.  Shitty for me if that's how they feel.  I think I'm enjoyable enough to be around, and I don't think I smell too bad.  Good friends I have made over the years have been very forthcoming about how much they like me, enjoy hanging out with me, so I don't believe I'm delusional.  So what is it that gets in the way of continued friendships? Perhaps with some people, they become comfortable with their current set of friends and forget that someone was interested in pursuing a friendship with them, so find it difficult to fold a new person into the group.


I thought I might get lucky to have a neighbor or two in the building to chill with, but that didn't turn out very well at all...I also thought I would make some friends through work, but they all seem to be very wrapped up in their own lives, with little thought to making new friends.  In the past, it has been the best place to make friends to chill out with. Not here in the big city.  I'm an outsider I guess. 


And now I'm planning a road trip for several months. I have a feeling I may be very lonesome on the road, particularly since kitty cannot travel with me for such an extended trip. I considered staying here in the city for another year, but without solid friendships to anchor me, it hardly seems worth it to stay.  I also do not think I could manage such a dependent relationship from my mother.  I'm already ready to bolt...have been for months.  After years of living on my own, answering only to myself, being close by to such a needy person has completely drained me to the point that I cringe when the phone rings.  I am far too accessible for her, and find myself hunted via msn messenger, email, landline, and my blackberry phone.  I know life is hard for her right now, I am fully aware of that.  I lost my father, she lost her partner and husband. However, she has tons of people in her life that call her, stop by all the time, take her out places, and offer to help her.  So I have been working hard at pulling back.  I need to know that she can manage her life without me being so very available.  I think she can.  Now she just needs to believe it.  It has been no secret that I came only to help them out while Dad was in his last months, and to spend time with him until he died. Then to help Mom get settled into a comfortable place where she can move on.  So my intentions to leave in April have been transparent since the day I accepted the term position at my workplace. 


So there you have it.  The life of a nomad is not easy.