End of September Contemplation

Okay. So life has changed, and my body isn't sure what to make of it. My mind thinks I've gone crazy. I left the north nearly a year ago, after finding out my father had stage 4 cancer. I wanted to spend more time with him, and help them out, now that my father was unable to drive. I don't know where the months went. I arrived on the east coast in January. When I looked at the months ahead I would have with my father, it felt like plenty of time. October begins tomorrow and he has already been gone nearly a month.

The time went fast because I was so busy I reckon. I feel like I looked forward to spring and summer for so very long after such a cold winter spent travelling from coast to coast, only to have it pass in the blink of an eye. I had so many plans for my time in this warmer weather part of the country. I planned to hit as many music festivals as I could. I didn't attend not one camping festival. I went to local concerts instead. I envisioned paddling day after day in the many lakes in this well-known paddler's haven. I went once on my own, and once in New Brunswick at Hopewell Rocks. I planned on camping every single long-weekend, and some others inbetween. I went camping once in New Brunswick.

It was a very different summer. I wish I could say I spent every spare moment with my father. I didn't. His health had started to fail and he was very tired. Often while I was there he would stay up for a short while before heading into his room to sleep for several hours. After awhile, I felt like I was keeping him up, as he struggled to stay awake in his chair, so I didn't stay as long on my visits. It became increasingly harder to see his body fail him so. I think what bothered my mother the most was that she could find very little to cook for him that he could tolerate. It had been her primary role for my father for so many years, and as much as she may have grumbled about having to do it, she sure missed it when she no longer had to do it. My Dad was a very complimentary man, and frequently complimented my mother on her cooking.

So now that Dad has passed, my next goal is to get my mother settled into a more suitable apartment. Then it's time to think about me again. I've had my mind set on travelling once my student loans are paid off. There is a strong possibility that I may actually reach that goal if all goes well with my student loans. I may be ready to travel by April. And with my current health, that scares me. How can I ever be ready and fit enough to hit the road long-term, indefinitely by April? I am feeling my near worst ever, between back pain, fibromyalgia, high blood pressure, and now a high sugar reading, I am worried I won't get to pursue what I have been after for so long.

All these many years I have been serving someone else's purpose, taking care of business. At first it was to be a good mother and wife. Then I was single parenting, and needed to be a good student, mother, and shit job employee so I could get a better job and provide for my daughter. Following that I had to seek a good paying job with benefits to continue on being a good mother, and to pay student loans. Now that my student loan debt is nearing the end, my daughter has been living on her own for years, I may finally be able to pursue my own dreams. My daughter is out living her own life in the Yukon. I have so many things I wanted to pursue and I fear I won't get to do them all due to poor health. And that just plain sucks.

I need to take control of my life or this body won't make it through. Any chance for a rehaul?